Akatsuki Alphabet
by LiteralBlue
Summary: From A right through all the fiddly little letters like Q and X, right through to Z, the Akatsuki have their moments, categorised for your delight into alphabetic order! Contains moderate OCs and Hidan's dirty, dirty mouth. Tobi-love all the way! COMPLETE
1. A B C D E

**A/N **I'm finally typing things up! I have approximately a million chapters laying about in assorted notebooks, and part of my New Years Resolution is to update more and finish all the fanfics I have going. I have the entire of Akatsuki Alphabet, plus the bonus Akatsuki Alphabet Epilogue, written in a notepad. I'm typing it up in installments, between revising for my English exams. It'll probably all be uploaded by tomorrow night. Much love!

* * *

**A is for... Akatsuki**

"Who _are _you?" The ANBU captain managed to choke the words out of a throat flooded with blood.

"We," growled Tei, grinning, "are the..."

The dramatic pause went on a bit too long, and then the drunken nin started rummaging through her cloak. "Crap, I know I wrote it down somewhere..."

Kisame eventually leaned forwards and muttered into the newest member's ear, "Akatsuki..."

"Yeah!" Te told the dying ninja, "One of THOSE!"

* * *

**B is for... Bloodstains**

"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Konan screamed at Hidan, waving a soggy red shirt at him, "This is the _last straw_! Tei and Rei won't do it, and I can see why! Can you go one day, just one _day, _without bringing me a ruined shirt? I'm _sick _of it! I refuse to go on! Do you have _ANY IDEA _how hard it is to wash bloodstains out of a white shirt? Well, from now on, you can damn well wash it yourself!"

Conan threw the offending article at the fanatic, and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving a stunned silence behind her.

"Well, _fuck_," Hidan growled eventually. "I can't do fucking _laundry_! I'll just have to buy a new shirt every time I do a ritual."

"Absolutely not!" Kakuzu snapped, not looking up from the ledgers on the kitchen table. "You will live forever, Hidan, thus giving you the capacity to ruin an infinite number of shirts, requiring an infinite number of new shirts, costing an infinite amount of money, which the Akatsuki _do not have_. Therefore, you will wear no shirt."

**

* * *

**

C is for... Cravings

Vices were fine within the S-class criminal organisation; they all craved something. Leader loved his piercings, Tei was alcoholic, Zetsu loved to feast on human flesh, and Rei found solace in her hoards of voodoo dolls.

It was normal. A complicated life led to a desire for something uncomplicated; this led to routine, which led to habits, which led to needs, to addictions, and addictions, of course, led to cravings. It was _normal._

It was _normal_, Leader assured himself, watching Itachi fix up his double-chocolate-honey-blackcurrant-more-chocolate-extra-cream mocha with rainbow sprinkles and crackers and flakes and extra sugar, in a mug that could just as easily have been called a bucket. It was normal.

Itachi sipped his sixth _CafeItachi _of the day, whilst the girls made breakfast around him.

**

* * *

**

D is for... Daycare

They were used to torture; all of them had done it at some point. Maiming, blood and guts were normal to them. However, even the S-class criminals knew that there was a time and a place appropriate for such behaviour.

It was not in the middle of a crowded street at noon on market day.

The hardened fiends stared at Leader, who screamed in fury as he slaughtered the man who had, moments before, observed Tobi trying to chase a bird up a tree, Anno pawing a football, and Kisame, Rei and Itachi dragging Tei away from the bar, and had muttered that it was like... Leader's trigger word.

"THIS IS NOT DAYCARE!" Leader roared.

**

* * *

**

E is for... Enigma

"Hey, Itachi, why d'ya kill the Uchiha clan?"

"They disrespected the elderly."

"'Tachi, un, why did you murder your parents?"

"They refused to give me a bendy stray."

"Brother! Why did you murder them?"

"They failed to put enough hate in you."

"Wesley, why did you kill your mom?"

"She called me Wesley."

"Itachi-sempai, Tobi was wondering why you killed the Uchihas..."

"They annoyingly kept referring to themselves in the third person."

"Itachi, why did you massacre the Uchiha clan?"

"Because your _face_."

"... My face?"

* * *

**A/N 2: **A quick note: My fics (and those of my sister, co-writer and other half, Astarael's Get) are set during the two-and-a-half-year timeskip in the series. I'm up-to-date with the manga, I know why Itachi killed his family, all plot innacuracies are for amusement pruposes only. I don't own Naruto or associates, I do own Rei, my sister owns Tei, and we joint-own Rimu and Anno, although nobody really wants Anno. Is he even in this fic? He deserves an adventure. I'll give him an adventure. With Tobi!

Peace, out. xx


	2. F G H I J

**A/N **you see? Lilliana's being good this year! She sometimes has to stop to eat, but we're working on that.

**

* * *

**

**F is for... Food**

It was one of those rare occasions when the entire Akatsuki went out as a group; it was a posh restaurant, real marble pillars and plenty of genuine silverware now secreted about the clothing of Kisame and Kakuzu.

The food had been magnificent, the desert exquisite, and the coffee – even Itachi's – was more than satisfactory.

And then, as they were finishing up, a nervy waiter who had drawn the short straw stumbled anxiously up to them, and faced fourteen pairs of eyes that were not quite scary, but could become scary very, very quickly (Itachi's sharingan was deactivated and Leader was wearing sunglasses). "Um... excuse me, sirs... madams... if I could just raise... the small matter of... the bill?"

The Akatsuki appeared not to move, but suddenly there were a lot of weapons sitting casually on the table. The waiter retreated very quickly.

* * *

**G is for... Graphs**

"... and therefore, as these graphs indicate, the Akatsuki will starve in three hundred and twenty-two years approximately if we do not either cut down our coffee consumption by half, or stop wearing underwear," Kakuzu concluded, indicating the charts and graphs on the board behind him.

There was a moment's hush in the Akatsuki Conference Room, and then Itachi spoke.

"Well, we can't live without coffee. _I _can't, anyway."

"PILE-ON!" Kisame yelled, as the girls lunged.

* * *

**H is for... Ham**

"I'm... not sure I understand."

"Me neither."

"Look, it's very simple: _ham_."

"But, _why_?"

"There doesn't need to be a reason. It's just ham."

Kisame and Deidara stared in wonder and awe at the giant pile of ham that had mysteriously appeared in their front garden overnight. Rei rolled her eyes.

"Look, it's ham, okay? No reason, no purpose, no explanation, just ham. Don't let it bother you."

"But-"

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

**I is for... indefatigable**

Leader stood in the doorway, staring at the wreck that had until very recently been his lounge. The furniture was smashed, the cushions ripped open, pictures broken in their frames, and as he looked on in dismay, the brand-new 50-inch plasma-screen TV fell slowly from the wall and broke neatly in two.

In the middle of the carnage sat Tobi, cross-legged on the floor, a picture of innocence reading what was in fact a dictionary; his head was bowed, as if he was trying to be invisible.

"Alright," Leader mumbled, "whoever gave Tobi the energy drink is a dead man."

Tobi looked up from midway through the I's, grinning. "Tobi is indefatigable!"

* * *

**J is for... Jail**

Tei had gone too far this time; Leader had finally reverted to his murdering-psychopath mode, something Konan usually made him suppress whilst he was in the hideout. Seething, he dragged the struggling blonde by the collar all the way down to the sub-sub-sub-basement, where he tossed the frantic ninja down the steep, narrow stairs and slammed the door shut.

"And you can damn well starve!" He yelled, bolting the door and marching away.

He got halfway along the hall, glanced about, realised his mistake, went back to the cellar door, let out the shaken Deidara, flung Tei down the stairs and as an afterthought tipped a bucket of cockroaches down after her.

* * *

**A/N **If you're new to Tei, then you need to know that she looks a lot like Deidara, 'cept taller: long blonde hair, blue eyes, feminine etc. That helps you to understand J. Next chapter coming up. Much love.

Peace, out! xx


	3. K L M N O

**A/N **And they say she never finishes anything... it ain't over yet! Man, my PC crashed and I lost half of this and copying it up again was annoying and I got real angry. Anyone else hating the new layout?

**

* * *

**

K is for... Kleptomania

Itachi glared at Kisame, who wore only a towel and an expression of injured innocence.

"I will ask you," the Uchiha hissed in a voice of deadly calm, "_one more time._ Where the _hell _are my _things_?"

"What things?" Asked Kisame.

"ALL OF THEM!"Itachi was yelling now. "Every single damn item I own has _disappeared_! Now where the hell ARE THEY?"

"I don't-" Kisame was about to say 'know', but Itachi's sharingan flashed dangerously. Deflated, Kisame began to produce Itachi's possessions from about his person. Itachi did not want to think where all his worldly goods had been stored, but this was not the first time it had happened, nor would it be the last.

**

* * *

**

L is for... Loyalties

In a time for fragile alliances, frail emotions and easy lies... he alone was loyal only to one country, and one woman.

And one man.

And one transvestite.

And one hermaphrodite.

...

And one sheep.

**

* * *

**

M is for... Marshmallows

Almost everything was ready for the camp-fire night. Everyone sat in a circle around the fire; matches were out of the question since Tobi was around, so Itachi had been forced to Amaterasu the fire into life.

However... there was one thing missing. They were not sure what. Hmm... blankets, check. Cushions, check. Sausages, check. Torches, check. Leader, check.

But _something_ was amiss...

"MARSHMALLOWS!" the cry went up through the woods, a little distance away from the Akatsuki. "MARSHMALLOWS for sale! Get your MARSHMALLOWS here! MARSHMALLOW! Ideal for camp-fires! MARSHMALLOWS! MaaaaaaaaaaarshMALLOWS!"

Leader's eyes narrowed. "Itachi." Itachi nodded and disappeared into the trees. A moment later, the cry of the marshmallow-vendor turned into a scream, which was quickly cut off. Itachi returned a little while later, a bloodied kunai in one hand and a huge sack of marshmallows in the other.

All was well with the world.

**

* * *

**

N is for... Numa Numa

The criminal hideout was not a place of joy... well, it tried not to be, but usually with the help of the indefatigable Tobi and alcoholic Tei, if failed epically in that respect. But thanks to Leader's Wrath, funky loud music had never been heard in their long, cold stone corridors...

Until now.

It was actually a catchy tune, and it confirmed the theory that Deidara's internet skills should never, NEVER be combined with Tobi's hyperactive curiosity. It was quite fun to watch the two dancing and singing at the tops of their voices, and those crowded around the narrow gap in the door were joining in the Numa Numa quietly; however, ninja being ninja, they were also recording the dance for future blackmail.

**

* * *

**

O is for... Octopus

"So, Rei," Kisame asked one day whilst she was cutting his hair, "what inspired you to create the Hawktopus?" The Hawktopus was the finest of Rei's dolls, a strange monster-like creature living in the Akatsuki Pond that ate chairs and people.

Rei thought for a moment, snipping away, then smiled finally. "Well, it was kind of a hawk... then it was kind of an octopus... then they kind of merged."

"_Merged_?"

"Yeah, making a doll with your eyes shut is a bad idea. I sewed Tobi into it too, but Leader made me unpick him."

* * *

**A/N **There's a story behind that sheep in L. It's kind of an in-joke with me and Aster, and to confirm it, he only thakes the _wool _of that single sheep! Nothing else, you sick, sick people... me love you. And it's not really aimed at Akatsuki, but it could be. I love you all!

Peace, out! xx


	4. P Q R S T

**A/N **We're on the home straight! One more chapter, and then the rather glorious (and I say so myself) Akatsuki Alphabet Epilogue. Sir Junior doesn't belong to be, the adorable little darling is LittleLadyPunk (deviantART)'s creation.

**

* * *

**

**P is for... PMS**

The Time of Month was in fact dreaded more by males than females at the A-C. This was due to something that had happened a long time ago, back when the Akatsuki had all been crammed into that tiny house with no three-level basements at all; shove a load of shinobi into not enough space with only one working shower and no locks on the doors, and there could be only one possible outcome.

It was a chance remark made by Kakuzu, and it cost him three hearts, plus... Konan's Wrath.

Which, whilst less credited, was modelled on Leader's Wrath.

They stared in dismay at the wreckage that had, until very recently, been their home. Now it was mostly rubble, with the occasional piece of Kakuzu littering the debris. Konan had stormed off long ago, tossing the only unbroken piece of china over her shoulder.

Leader's face was completely unreadable. Eventually he sighed, shaking his head. "Time to move home, I suppose..."

* * *

**Q is for... Questions**

"Tobi, where are you going with that net?"

"Konan, is there _syrup _in this pie?"

"Deidara, was that an _explosion _I just heard in the fridge?"

"Rei, can you wash out these bloodstains?"

"Hidan, what did I tell you about ritual sacrifice before dinner?"

"Kakuzu, why did you sell my bed?"

"Kisame, where's my wallet?"

"Itachi, how much sugar did you put in this coffee?"

"Tei, are you drunk?"

"Shut up, Anno...?"

"Zetsu, have you watered yourself today?"

"Leader, why do you look angry? What's that knife for? ... Leader?"

* * *

**R is for... Reciprocity**

"You know, a hangover is God's way of telling you alcohol is bad," Kisame preached.

"Schnschmmnnagsfdw..." Tei mumbled, not moving from the spot in the hall where she had passed out last night. Laziness and alcohol-induced paralysis meant she had not had a beer for over eight hours, and an eleven-year state of drunkenness was beginning to wear off. Rei, in her deadly 'Concerned Housewife Mode', was alternating between fetching ice to douse her partner's head, and spoon-feeding her absinthe.

"There, there, Tei..." She muttered soothingly, glaring at her favourite of all the blue-skinned mass-murdering kleptomaniac fish guys with whom she frequently consorted.

* * *

**S is for... Sir Junior**

"This was _not _in the contract," Konan mumbled, watching Anno bounce the miniature baby-Leader on his knee. Leader, having been urgently called away, had without a single change in his pierced features produced a baby - well, they assumed it was a baby; it looked like a mini, chibi Leader shrouded in shadow, who looked up at them with huge, pink eyes and said "a-goo" a lot – and ordered them to look after "Sir Junior" until he returned.

The girls, and surprisingly Anno and Deidara, had tackled the matter with enthusiasm but Sir Junior had taken to Itachi; Itachi, so bold and deadly and willing to face down the armies of all the world alone, who, upon being faced with the little baby climbing up his leg, had _retreated_. Not run away, _retreated_. This was _very important. _Itachi never ran away. Not even from this adorable Leader mini-me.

* * *

**T is for... Tia Maria**

Itachi had discovered Tia Maria quite by accident; he had by accident picked up Tei's coffee instead of his own, and sipped.

And, mighty a warrior as he may be, the great Uchiha had a remarkably low tolerance for alcohol.

He had liked it, wanted more, and was given more – more, for Tei's amusement, in much more generous proportions.

Meaning it was not a _full _cup of coffee.

And so, Itachi needed more.

LOTS more.

Three hours later he fell over, drunk, and declared his undying love for the table.

* * *

**A/N **Okay, I'll finish it tonight, promise! Me love you big lots!

Peace, out. x


	5. U V W X Y Z

**A/N** Yay, I did it! This one's slightly extended so as to include Z and Akatsuki Alphabet Epilogue. That's five chapters and a complete story in one day! It makes me very very very happy! I'm hoping to finish the next chapter of Sweet Angels next, it's mostly done.

**

* * *

**

U is for... Uchiha Issues

Uchiha issues. Everyone had them, and they all dealt with them differently.

Rei had a seemingly endless supply of miniature voodoo-esque Itachi dolls, which she distributed freely to anyone who asked. Deidara often took them in bulk and attatched them to his more impressive bombs. Sasuke had been given a whole sack of them anonymously one Christmas, and had spent hours sticking pins into them. Kisame merely stole Itachi's things, but he did that to everyone anyway, and if you tortured him enough he always gave them back.

And Orochimaru... with a reliability you could set your clock by, every day at 8:34 AM, he threw a brick through the kitchen window at the Uchiha's head.

Several of the other, more restrained Akatsuki left Orochimaru toast and coffee for this daily visit, and occasionally larger bricks.

* * *

**V is for... Violet**

There are some circumstances in which one should certainly wish he is elsewhere. This was one of them.

Customers had fled, but the unfortunate shop assistant was trapped, and now there were going to be two ninja battles in his cosmetics aisles.

There was only one bottle of violet nail polish left, and five members of the most feared criminal organisation in the world were all frozen in the act of reaching for it; they were now glaring at each other, all ready to kill.

And not far away, Rei and Orochimaru were having a somewhat more civil face-off regarding the last opt of purple eye shadow.

"Take it."

"No, _you _take it."

"I insist."

"Take it or I'll maim you."

"Take it or I'll frizz your hair."

* * *

**W is for... Warning**

"Rimu..." the Hokage sighed, holding a bottle of pink dye that the jounin before him insisted he had not deliberately switched with Sandaime's shampoo. "This is your final warning. I am going to kill you. And nothing short of the Tailed Beasts wielded by an insane criminal bent on world domination with a love for soap operas and morning cartoons could stop me."

Three weeks after fleeing Konoha, Rimu first heard about the mysterious Akatsuki Leader, and wept for joy.

* * *

**X is for... Xylophone**

"Konan..." Leader groaned, sat cross-legged in his Gothic Throne in the kitchen with his head in his hands. "I promise I won't kill, maim, torture, severely creep out or lock _anyone_ in the cellar. Just tell me... why? And also... _who?_"

Konan glanced across into the living room, where the rest of the Akatsuki sat watching the dull Christmas day TV; Tobi, sat behind the sofa, was knocking out some excellent tunes on his brand new xylophone. She shrugged.

"He's wanted one for ages. I don't think he's too bad at it."

"And _who_?"

"Um... Kisame got it for him, I think." Leader looked up, eyes glinting.

"Right. Send in Kisame." Konan gave him a pained look.

"Now, Pein, you _promised _to get into the Christmas spirit!"

"Oh, you should see what I'm gonna do with the fucking holly!"

* * *

**Y is for... Yuletide**

Twelve murdered ANBU

Eleven stolen presents

Ten undergarments

Nine profuse apologies

Eight suicide attempts

Seven gifts for Tobi

Six char-burnt turkeys

Five new pets

Four mistletoe kisses

Three Hawktopus victims

Two homicidal maniacs

And get Zetsu out of that tree!

* * *

**Z is for... Zetsu**

"THE WALL TALKED!"

"Calm down, Deidara-"

"IT TALKED!"

"It's just Zetsu-"

"It freakin' _talked_!"

"Deidara, you're upsetting him-"

"THE FUCKING WALL JUST FUCKING TALKED!"

Konan gave up, staring exasperatedly at Leader, who rubbed his temples. Konan had just been showing around their newest member, when Zetsu had popped out of a wall and quite politely greeted the blonde bomber. Konan was struggling both to coax Deidara out of the corner and comfort the deeply hurt plant-man. "For God's sake, just shake hands and make up!" She snapped, shaking a finger at them both.

Leader groaned. "This is not daycare..." he muttered.

* * *

**Akatsuki Alphabet Epilogue!**

And now, Tobi would like to thank you for reading this to the end!

Unfortunately he can't, since he's hiding from Rimu who's blaming him for Rei making him tip ice in Rimu's face after Rimu had stolen Itachi's coffee, causing Itachi to get withdrawal symptoms and stab Hidan in the face in a jealous rage after Hidan got satisfaction out of taking out one of Kakuzu's hearts for stealing Kisame's wallet as vengeance for when Kisame stole Kakuzu's calculator on an impulse which caused Kakuzu to get impatient and annoy Hidan and so Hidan blamed it on Kisame and kicked him, and Rei liked Kisame, because he's her drinking partner and so she wanted revenge against Rimu but she couldn't do it herself because Zetsu had hidden Tei's alcohol so she was sober and had a death wish against him and only Rei could control Tei sober (well, Leader could too, but he and Konan and Sasori were busy watching soap operas and he would probably have killed her in any case) so she got Tobi to do it for her so Rimu wants to kill Tobi.

Which is why Deidara will thank you instead!

"Like hell I will."

Yes, he will.

"No."

Please?

"Make me.

... It was at this point that Deidara fell down a hole.

"Aw, cra-"

And the moral of the story is, don't defy The Author! Thanks for reading!

Peace, out. xx


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